DestroyingAngel's Journal
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7 entries this month
11:49 Apr 20 2011
Times Read: 596
The way that I vent. The way that I deal with things. The way I don't make any sense. The way it all makes pefect sense. The way that I love and the way I hate with a burning passion. One extreme after another. I am awake and thinking to myself. Of what if this and what if that. The things that I just seem to...know.
It's amazing, how much shit I look past when it comes to matters of the heart. The cold hard
facts. The pain of knowing something that I wasn't supposed to. Putting things together
until it hits me like truck. I could lay wounded. Still, I wouldn't say how much it hurts on the inside. It's wose than anything. If I spoke up it would only go to place of negativity. No! I cannot do that because there is enough of that as it is. Let me suffer. Im used to it. I expect it. It's all I have ever known.
That's okay......right?
But, is it okay for me to hurt this much when all I really want is peace and harmony. When all I really want is love? When I just want to share smiles and laughter? Is it okay when all I want is comfort? Is it okay for me to suddenly cover my face and hope nobody can see the tears? Is it okay that it feels this way? Cry quietly and just let the hurt out. Is it okay to want to scream out loud? To want to get it all out? To want truth? To want to know and to accept? Is it okay now? Is it fucking okay?!
Is it okay for me to sometimes get so stressed out that I reflect on bad habits from my past? To desire, once again...the concrete and the blade? The desire only a cutter would know after NOT doing that for almost 15yrs? The mark that is made. The control. The crimson release...as if somehow, by my own hands I allow a part of that hurt to escape from my soul. The almost orgasmic feeling I would get when I saw the
blood. The life force. The rush. The satisfaction. The tears during and afterwards. The final sting.
But...inside it's still there killing me. It's only one fix. Yes, it hurts...but I can FEEL! Dammit, it is proof that I am still ALIVE! Proof that I am still here. Breathing. Loathing. Loving and living. Learning. Growing. Is it okay to not give into that red temptation? Is it alright to give both middle fingers to it with a smirk and move on without making a mark? The desire crosses my mind and I can't help but think about how good it felt...
back then.
I close my eyes and breathe in.
When does patience pay off?
Is it really a virtue?
How am I supposed to laugh when all I can do is cry and remember what is precious to me? What is still precious to me. Should I turn cold like stone? Should I try to erase my feelings? Be hollow and smile? Pretend I am okay when I am not? Die a little more on the inside? Is that okay? Is that fucking okay? Is it okay to deal with me and mine...without you and yours? Is it okay now? Is it okay to breathe in and collect myself? Is it okay for me to do what I have to fucking do to rid myself of these feelings? Is it okay to renounce you when you saved me? Is it okay to be greatful? Is it okay with you if I quietly mend the fractures in my heart? Is it okay to be me? Do what I gotta do to get through? Is it okay if I just spill this nonsense out? Is it okay to just...release? Is it okay to ask if it's going to be okay? Is it okay to pray?
Is it okay...
To love?
Is that alright? Is that okay?!
08:54 Apr 15 2011
Times Read: 608
This heart does not just beat.
It loves.
It laughs.
It cries.
It screams.
It is doing all of the above right now...as crazy as it seems.
13:08 Apr 13 2011
Times Read: 613
Screamed myself awake from intense body pain. I had actually been sleeping well. Of course, it had to happen on one of the rare times that I get to do that.
I want to go back to sleep.
I don't want to feel this anymore.
10:16 Apr 11 2011
Times Read: 619
Too many thoughts keeping me awake. Thoughts that are racing. Thoughts that are screaming all at once. The result of these thoughts leave me almost silent and unable to really express them as I would like to. It's as if my voice my has been stollen right out of me. It's as if I could scream them outloud...
But then again, I doubt that I would ever truly be heard.
07:50 Apr 08 2011
Times Read: 642
You are nothing more than a filthy fucking piece of shit liar...
and pretty soon the whole word is gonna know about you too.
I must be a freak
09:24 Apr 04 2011
Times Read: 663
Why is this happening again?! Im awake with some pretty intense body pains. Hasn't been this bad in quite a while. My joints are so sore that I can hardly move without it feeling as if I have been hit by a semi truck.
I would ask what I did to deserve this chronic condition that I suffer with...but I know why. Im being punished because I was such a horrible and rotten individual in my past. This is my payback. I try to get comfortable in my bed and all I can feel is this intense hot/burning in my muscles. Most of my major joints are so inflamed that I find myself groaning in pain, shifting into a better position and it just isn't helping at all. Then it gets worse and the tears start. I can't help it. It really does hurt.
I split a mild pain medication tablet in half to help ease it..........that didn't work at all. I took the other half several hours later and it didn't help either.
I find myself praying to God to take my pain away for just a little while. I ask him to help me get just a few hours of normal healthy sleep and still.....nothing. Just the isolation of being a freak. The sadness in knowing that no matter how much I pray and try to do right and ask for forgiveness and so on, God still hates me. He doesn't forgive me.
Maybe im just fooling myself here.
Maybe he just simply DOES NOT want me or care to hear me out or hear from me. I don't ask him for much and I always make do with what little I have and the burdens that I seem to almost always have to go through. I always ask him to bless (and watch over) the people in my life, the people that I love, the people that I care for, my friends...and even the people who are mean to me or don't care about me at all.
Maybe im just a freak. All I know is.........I sure feel like one. Lonley and in pain. Trying like hell to be patient. I need a hug. Seems like I always do. I always seem to want or need these hugs when I simply cannot have them.
Is it so wrong to want comfort like I do?
To want somebody to wrap their arms around me and tell me that things will be alright, eventhough I know that nothing ever is going to be alright. Still, it would be wonderful to be able to hear it. To feel it. The warmth of somebody who cares.
Seriously, is that so much to ask for or am I being too selfish?
*sighs*
Im a freak.
09:17 Apr 01 2011
Times Read: 690
I want to tell you about the things that bother me. What you do. What you don't. Why it hurts. Why I feel this way inside.
But...I never will.
What do you do when you can't undo?
Please, tell me.
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COMMENTS
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captainglobehead
13:56 Apr 20 2011
I pray you find the love you long for and deserve.
DestroyingAngel
15:52 Apr 20 2011
*shrugs*
...was just venting so many things at once. Total overload...right here.
Bellanova333
16:37 Apr 20 2011
Allllllll of those emotions and desires are okay... the suffering is not... regardless if you are used to it. It is hard when it is unfamiliar territory... I know... been there... perhaps still there on some levels... release is important... healthy release and looks as if that is exactly what you are doing... and yes that is definitely ok (: ~hugs~
Iamthedevil
09:15 Apr 21 2011
"Crimson Release" ... I got you... Itz beautiful... And will we ever know, nay, itz just thee way of thingz, and , "All Thiz To Shall Come To Pass"...
Arkanisca818
14:58 Apr 25 2011
I totally have no idea how i should of read the ending, it may be the amounts of alcohol flowing through my body but its just i read it like 5 times and it makes me just think
FUCK IT , AND LIVE LIFE EVERY DAY AS IT COMES AS FOR I HAVE NO REASON FOR BEING OTHER THAN TO CONTEMPLATE MY REASON FOR BEING !!!!!!
In the end only you get judged for what you did in your life.